Researching again

I looked up so much about vasectomies tonight it's unreal. Basically, the failure rate for a vasectomy is between 0.1-0.3%, depending on the type. However, the failures tend to occur within the first 12 weeks after the surgery. There is a "cleaning out" phase after the surgery. After that time failures are about 1 in 4000 or 0.025% I'm not sure how long ago "sissypants" husband had this done but the longer its been the less likely failure occurs.

Yes...the internet is a great tool for information.

I'm a little on edge tonight. I would really enjoy being involved with things more than I am. The fact that I'm not, sometimes gets to me. I just have to be patient, and time tests patience. I'm tired of missing sissypants and the big footed baby boy. What can I do though? I think I need to have some serious discussion with her the next time we talk.
Back to work for now.

Later.

Monday again

Well it was nice having the night off from work. Can't complain about that.

Heard from "sissypants" late in the day Sunday. I get a little testy when I don't hear from her until late. Why? Because my mind goes into overdrive worring about her and the big footed baby boy. She had a long busy day of family activity. When she called me she was taking her son out to the ER, apparently he boogered his ankle up some. I know all about doing that. She never got back home until 3am. Crazy. She told me a nice little story about how she was holding a baby and the big footed baby boy kicked the baby in the butt. Sissypants thought it was great and had a laugh. I find myself smirking about it when I think about it. She's got more family activities today. These will revolve around her Uncle that I wrote about earlier. She's pretty beat today and I hope she will take it easy.

Everything seemed to go fine with the home inspector.

Well I'm off to lunch again with the folks.

Later.

Sunday

Well Saturday ended alright. I heard from "sissypants" on a couple of occasions. That always cheers me up. In fact the last time I heard from her was about 5 minutes after I left her a voicemail. She didn't get the voicemail when she called. I love it when we are in synch like that. Makes me say "huh". We talked for a little while about everything, as usual. I still wake up thinking of her and the big footed baby boy. The second my eyes open, I realize what's going through my head. It's good that I think like that, but starting out ones day missing people terribly tends to make one sad. Today was no different. Eyes open, thoughts of them. When this all settles down I will take great comfort in knowing that my feelings have never been this strong about anyone and I was willing to do whatever I had to do to keep them. Paying the price, fighting the fight. I wrote a poem about how I battled for the truth. It's about all the research and stuff I did, and I will NEVER regret putting myself through that. If it wasn't for that, I'd hate to think where I would be right now. If things would have pointed me down a different path I'm sure I would be totally out of the picture. However, everything pointed me in a direction that makes me believe I will be around for the long haul. I will be forever greatful for following those feelings I had. August isn't that far away now, so I need to keep that in mind when all the voices in my head start on me. The worst things right now for me are when I can't see her whenever I like, and when the phone doesn't ring for awhile. I tend to worry when the phone is silent. Not seeing her just sucks. I'd like nothing better than to be rubbing her when she aches, feeling the baby every time I could, just being there for her. If I'm lucky enough, blessed enough, to be the one...I will cherish every second I have with her, the baby, and the rest of her family.

Yea...love is consuming.

Got my friends porch roof all jacked up and braced. Wasn't too bad actually. After we were done with all that we went down by the creek and started a fire. Had some hot dogs, beers, and played some cards. I left around 10. Then I came home and putted around online for a little and went to bed. I saw sissypants mom on so I made sure to say hello.

Today, well I'm not sure what I'm doing. Hopefully talking with sissypants or if I'm really lucky maybe I'll see her. I could use to clean up around here. I'll probably burn some things, then head down to do my laundry. My folks said something about lunch, but I don't remember if it was today or tomorrow...

As for now, I'm going to get to it.

Later.

Sad Saturday

What can I say, I get sad. I think its more sadness than depression. Those times when the phone doesn't ring my head just fills with questions. The main thing is if everything is ok. I'd hate if something bad were to happen and I didn't find out right away. I really am concerned about that. I would want to be there as quickly as possible. Then I start missing my "sissypants" and the big footed baby boy terribly. As soon as I woke up this morning, they were both on my mind. I must have been dreaming about them. The days pass on the calendar, but that doesn't lessen any of the pain I feel when I am away. That fact that my feelings never lessen I find very impressive. I would not be going through all of this if it weren't for what I feel. Time tests me daily...I do the best I can with it.

Anyway, I guess I'm helping a friend work on his porch roof today. Apparently we have to jack it up about 3". This will be starting shortly.

Home inspectors came today, I made sure I wasn't here. They are coming back Monday. I wonder if they realize Monday is a holiday.

Went to wal-mart and weis today. Now I'm broke. At least there's some food to go around.

Well I have to prepare myself for house work!

Later.

Status: Not bad.

Well things are still going good. I saw "sissypants" yesterday for a few hours and talked for more! It's never enough, but I will take what I can get and be content. I'm helping my cause by not being pushy. We just hung out by the river. Talked a lot. I read her a couple poems I had written. We had some lunch and then the boy became pretty active. What a great little man he is. I wrote that he reminds her of me when he starts kicking and pulling on things in one of those poems I read to her. When it's time for us to part I'm noticing it's becoming very difficult for both of us. It sucks, but I really enjoy knowing that she cares as much as she does. Love is difficult, but it's worth it. I feel in a couple more months all this will be well worth it.

She had told me a not so nice story about her husband. Basically he's still treating not only her but her kids bad. I read a good article about how emotional abuse starts with the mom and then filters down through the kids. I can't locate it at the moment but if I do I'll post a link. Found it! http://www.babycenter.com/refcap/pregnancy/pregnancysex/1356253.html#2 Basically it said to leave now, because it won't change. It will just keep going and going. I believe she is really seeing this now. If he's changing his tune already...what more can I say? She also said he's been talking shit to her mom and it's been finding it's way back to sissypants. I heard her for the first time her talk about divorce in quite awhile. That'a girl! I could go on and on about how her husband is this or that. I'm just waiting for the chance to prove it once and for all he is a liar, because if he wasn't I'm positive I'd be out of the picture.

Sissypants found out a couple things of bad news yesterday. Nothing about the baby thankfully. Her one uncle is in a life situation that appears can not be beat. Also her one cousin did some not so good things to his wife and new baby. She called me and we talked for a little while about all that stuff. She's very sad about her uncle and very pissed off at her cousin. I hope she has a couple good times with her uncle this weekend. As for her cousin, well I hope she steers clear.

As for now, I need a nap.

Later.

Mellow Yellow

I have to work 12 hours today and tomorrow. How nice.

On a better note, I am seeing "sissypants" again after work. Yes, I am looking forward to it! Things are working out smoothly. We've been talking tons and visits are increasing. Hopefully all keeps going well. I'm doing my part to see that is what happens. I'd like to be with her everyday but until that can be I'll do whatever I have to do. I've been doing all sorts of reading on babies. I found a really good site http://www.babycenter.com I've been spending lots of time there. In fact I'm heading back there now.

It was a pretty slow day for me today, so I'll just keep it short. Didn't hear anything about the house but I did manage to string 5 hours of sleep together.

Later.

Another good day.

Guess who I got to see today? It wasn't for as long as I would like, but I'll take whatever time I can get. You see "sissypants" kiddies were home sick from school, but she took a couple hours to see me. It was a very special day today. A day that was filled with trust, passion, and love. It will be yet another day I will not forget. After today, I truly believe everything will work out just fine. All that is needed is some patience. I have that and will continue to prove it until she is ready. I know how she feels. She knows how I feel. I find total comfort in that and it's enough to silence the voices in my head. I believe since she's being honest with herself, she is doing one of the best things possible to help herself. She told me today that she didn't want anymore "shit" started while she is pregnant. Mind you she was not saying this directly to me, but about other people. I understand where she is coming from. She's had too much stress during this pregnancy and more would not be helpful. I have been concerned about her stress level well before this blog was ever started. Looking out for the big footed baby boy in her belly is something that needs to be done, and I imagine we'll be looking out for him for many years to come.

I was so close to being late to work tonight. I made it here in 11 minutes. If I drive "normally" It takes me 20 minutes. I punched in with 2 minutes to spare.

I spoke to the would be buyer of the house today. Sounds like the ball is finally rolling. He's getting a title search done on Thursday. He's going to check out the building supplies I have left and let me know about buying those. It's good that some progress has been made.

I think my mom wants sissypants to do things now. Granted, I see where she is coming from. Just because I elect to be patient doesn't mean I necessarily don't want different things. That's why I refer to things as paying the price. I'm willing to go through this because I feel in the end it will lead me to a life filled with happiness. She doesn't know the things I know or see the things I see. All I know for sure is what I feel for this woman and this baby. Feelings lead me to do many things I didn't think I had in me. I will never regret following my feelings or my heart. I know this isn' t the most normal situation on the face of the earth for anyone to be involved in. I'd like my mom to remember a bumper sticker she once had that read "Why be normal?". I didn't set out to be in this kind of situation but it's where I am. I see good things happening, you just have to remember there is more to life than today. My mom has said a few times that things won't be easy no matter what happens. I know this. I wrote this to sissypants. It's about her realizing that easy isn't always the best for yourself. Again, I think this was a huge step in a positive direction.


Easy street isn't all it seems to be,
it lacks many things.
Whoever said being in love was easy,
never has been.
I'll take love over anything,
I don't care about it not being easy.
It's trying and full of compromise.
You must work through all the highs and lows together,
but that's how life goes.
I'd rather go through life with love by my side,
then make my home on easy street where love does not reside.
If you're looking for easy,
then you need not look for love.
Just take whatever comes your way,
sacrificing many things.
Things like happiness,
when you find the one you know is true.
With a simple look in their eye,
that tells you where you belong.
All this would be gone,
if it were not for love.
Challenge too would be no more,
if all were easy.
I know I challenge myself daily,
to loving you more than the day before.
All these things and more make love not easy,
but I believe that's where I belong.
I want you to live the rest of your life free of fear,
about loving me.
It may not be easy,
but it will be worth everything.

If I don't update later today, I'll see you tomorrow.

Later.

Monday Monday da da da da da da

Today was a very difficult sleep day. I wasn't sad or anything, I just couldn't get comfortable. It will be a long night tonight, but what can ya do?

After a weekend of some craziness creeping back into my head, today was pretty good. Spoke to "sissypants" a few times today. She told me a couple things today that just made me realize how special she is and how special I must be to her. She started to talk about those weeks when I was out of the picture and how she was actually trying to take the easy way out of things. She said to me she didn't know what she was thinking. I told her that those times were a test for both of us and we can only learn and grow from them. I'm thankful she is opening up like this on her own, without me poking and prying. That shows me she is healing and her love is growing. She told me she didn't know what she'd do if I wasn't in her life. I tell you, I feel the same way. This was all out of the blue. I just get this feeling inside of me when I think about what the future holds, and I love it! We just talked about everything. Being silly, being serious, lots of baby talk. She told me she is going to get the baby a shirt made up that says "My daddy's a dorkus." That would be fine with me, after all I am a dorkus. She said she is looking forward to meeting my folks. That is something I really want, is to be with someone that doesn't mind visiting my parents. She is very family minded, and I find I'm attracted to it more than I once was. TImes make you think.

I gave a friend of mine that has been out of the loop my blog address. He emailed a few thoughts. Basically he sees things the way everyone else does. He's a good friend, and I miss him. We became friends at a old job that just wasn't for me. I never would have thought we would be friends, but as it turned out we shared a lot of the same views. He's still at that place. Not so much because he wants to be, but because they have benefits. He's a good writer and I hope he finds his way back into that field.

Well I didn't hear from the guy that wants to buy the house today, so I gotta call him and I'm sure I'll get his voicemail. I'm getting to the point to where I want to be firm, but I don't want to scare him off. I need to know something so I can plan. I think I'll just say if we can't make a sales agreement, I"m going to put the for sale sign back up. He's had a couple weeks to get his shit in order...

I'll keep it short tonight. I'm going to find something to get into.

Later.

Sunday morning

Today is laundry day.

Went to movies last night. I must say I didn't quite get "The Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy". It was a pretty movie and all. I just didn't follow it. Pop corn was good and over priced. My friends wife saw a different movie. She didn't sound thrilled about it either.

My cat just won't stop meowing at times. It drives me insane. He seems to always wake me up just when I get to sleep. I think he's lonely. I'm not in a position to get him a buddy at the moment. I really think that's what he needs.

Speaking of lonely, that's how I'm feeling right now. If I had a choice of feeling lonely or not feeling anything I'll take my feelings now. In a heartbeat! It's trying at times, choosing to be patient. I miss my "sissypants" and the big footed baby boy. I know she is doing what she needs to do, and I won't bring her down for doing that. I spoke with my friend and his wife about how things have been going lately. I said sometimes it's hard to focus down the road rather than today. All these tough todays will lead to the best of tomorrows. Staying focused on tomorrow is challenging but I'm not going to loose that focus. I just look forward to hearing from her and get jittery just thinking about seeing her and the belly again. They both mean the world to me and if I could, I would give them the world. All I can offer them, is my best.

We also talked some about her husband and how easily he could have ended all this weeks ago. I haven't spoken to anyone that would let this go on if they had something to end it. It would have gone something like this, "Here's a copy of the paper have him call them so he can hear it and tell him to get out of our lives." Instead here I am very much involved and very much convinced her husband lied about something no one should lie about. How could you not want to end any doubt over a unborn baby? I guess the only way is if you knew it was the only thing keeping you in the picture. Yes, the times rise when I feel like I need to present all the facts I have and talk about them. It pushes my buttons and will continue to do so until this is all done. And yes, I do feel better after that little rant!

Time to get to it.

Later

Goings on

I must say things are going smoothly with "sissypants". I miss her terribly, that is nothing new though. It's so much better not having any anger or ill feelings towards her. If all goes well we will be seeing each other again soon. We've been talking like we use to and it's great. She even called me at work on Friday and we talked. That use to be a every night thing before things went goofy. I told her I really missed that. It's just wonderful that things are going good. I could just spend forever with this girl. The craziness has been kicked down a notch. With how things are going it's no wonder that happened. I hope she notices that, which I believe she does. I know she does. I think the other morning at the park was a great big reality check for both of us. The reality being, life sucks without the other.

The baby name list has gone from 29 down to 22. On my list we really agree on 6 names. I found an additional 5 that I have to run by sissypants. She needs to make a list too. She tries to remember the names and I say, "You should make a list.". The names I have picked all have meanings that I think fit the situation. Meanings like "young warrior" or "much wanted" stuff like that. Sissypants told me the other day when we were together the baby became very very active. I don't know what that means, but I like it! I guess I'm crazy about things like that. Sort of like following a feeling inside of yourself that you just can't ignore. I'd like to think I made the big footed baby boy's day. Maybe, he misses me as much as I miss him.

My cat is going insane right now.

I think I'm going to get some stuff up on ebay today. I have a few things out in the garage that probably would fetch a couple bucks on there. If they don't sell, then they must be burned! Yes...the burner barrel is my friend.

The guy that wants to buy this place is finally going to be speaking with a lawyer on Monday. I hope to know some new stuff then.

Unless sissypants can see me this evening, I'm probably going to see "The hitchhikers guide to the galaxy" with my friend and his wife. Well I guess his wife will elect to see something different because she's not a geek like some of us...Star Wars was a option, but that will be insanely packed.

I'm getting back to work.

Later.

What a good day!

My day today couldn't have much been much better. I spent all day with "sissypants". We met at a park where we shared some of our earliest moments. My nervous were in overdrive leading up to it. I had a hour to wait after work until she was there so I wrote a couple poems in that time. One for her, and one for the baby. Actually, it was the first poem I wrote to the big footed baby boy instead of about him. It was a different experience, in a good way. So she shows up and I thought my heart skipped a beat. She's so beautiful. We hugged for awhile, which was great. I just can't explain how this woman makes me feel. It's unbelievable. I gave her all the poems I had written over the last three weeks and the CD I made. She'll have some reading materials for awhlile.

Then we sat for awhile in the sun on a picnic table and talked as the grounds keepers mowed the grass. Her belly is a bit more noticeable than the last time I saw her, but that's what makes her a sexy mama. She was so concerned about not having ankles. Crazy. We snuggled some and talked some. At one point as we were gazing at one another she asked me "what?". I said I wanted to kiss her and she didn't seem to mind. Now hugs and snuggling are great but when we kiss... it's like nothing I have ever experienced in life. So after we sat for awhile and toasted up in the sun we went for a walk. As we walked we talked about everything. I think we both believed the last three weeks proved a couple things. One, our love is not something of weakness. Two, being apart is not something we want. While we approached the portapotty (ya know those girls gotta go when they are preggers) she said something I did not expect. She inquired about meeting my parents. Soon. I told her that would be something that could be arraigned. I'll talk to my folks about a possible greet and meet sometime this weekend. That really meant something to me, her asking to meet them.

We made our way to some swings and hung out there for awhile. We started to talk about baby names. I started looking up names online, I'll talk about that later. After a little while on the swings a lot of people started showing up so we walked some more. We eventually went and grabbed some lunch. Came back to the park and sat and ate in the shade. She was tooting her horn about how she didn't slop anything on her new white shirt, but she spoke to soon. Nothing major, just a little spot. After we ate we went for another walk. Found a nice shady tree and snuggled for quite a while. This is where the baby became active. I got to feel him kick for the first time. It was crazy. I don't know what was more crazy feeling him kick or seeing my hand get moved because of the kick. I can only imagine what that must feel like for her. She told me he likes to kick at her belly button and yank on the umbilical cord. All very very crazy, but I love it! Rubbing her belly would be something I would do all the time if I was in such a position. I keep my hopes high.

Eventually the time had come for us to part ways. I think since things went so well parting wasn't as hard as I was expecting it to be. Yesterday was a very special day for me and I will always remember it. Hell, I'm going to remember this whole period of my life. The love is still there and kicking just like the boy. It's wonderful and I believe sissypants is realizing just how special it really is.

On my way home I stopped and got myself a ice cream cone. It was pretty good, first one this year. So I got home and was pretty well ready for bed. My cat was happy to see me. He gave me hell! I guess I stayed out to late. So I fed & watered him and went to bed.

I've looked 4517 baby names tonight...my head hurts. Out of all those names, my list is 29 names.

Well I'll update more again later, I gotta get back to work.

Later.

Feelings woe woe woe feelings...

I over slept today...

Lets get this stuff up to date. The visit with my friends went well. It always does. They always have their own opinion about all this stuff that's going on, but yet they are always supportive of me. They just can't understand what more evidence is needed to tag someone as a liar. I can't answer that. It's kind of funny, everyone that knows everything about this situation goes crazy when we talk about it. Just imagine how I feel. I'd like to wish my friends wife the best of luck on her trip to NY this coming weekend. I'm sure she'll do just fine.

Three days, lots of conversation. "Sissypants" has finally come to the point to where she's not worrying about hurting people more than worrying about herself. About time sweetie! I've been telling her that from day one. Do what is best for yourself. We spoke in length again today. We are set to meet after I get off of work in the morning. I'm nervous but very excited. She asked me a few questions and told me a few things. I'll start with testing. Everything is still funny on the end of her husband and his test. He still refuses to share anything. So she told me that she told him no matter what, I am getting a test once this baby is born. It's been decided that not only can I see the baby once he is born, but so can my folks. I'm not sure how all that will work out. We need to talk about it more. I'm sure me and my folks being in the same room with her husband and his would be pretty strange... We discussed visitation. We both agree not to cause any troubles on that front. We are both set on not jumping back into anything to fast. I made it known that I would like to attempt to work things out if the baby turns out to be mine, but just incase that doesn't happen we have things planned. She wanted to know a few things about me when I was a baby so I hit my mom up for the info. Like weight, length. From there my mom just kept spilling info that I passed along. It was kind of strange, but not in a bad way. All I keep seeing and hearing is the doctor telling us that "This kid has got some big feet." I will always remember that day, always. I told her I shaved so she could get a good look at my face incase something happens to where I couldn't be around when the baby is born. Ya know, so she could see my chin and stuff. Compare the two. She said all she'd need to see are his eyes. I think sissypants has it in her head once she sees the baby's eyes she'll know. She has this thing for my eyes. I say she's a weird-o, but whatever floats her boat.

We also talked about other things. She told me a couple stories. She said she was out and about and got change on two occasions that came to $11.11 and $1.11. What does that mean? Well back in the early goings when we would chat online if her husband or my wife would get to close we would type 1111. This let the other know to behave. So it made her think back to those times. She also told me that when she was yardsaling she smelled me. She said it made her look around. Turned out to be a shirt at the yardsale, which she bought for that fact. All this stuff just melts my heart. She also told me something that surprised me. She told me her mom gave her some advice. She told her not to rush into anything. It has been known that she's been being pressed to stay with her husband. However, she told me that her mom hears how she sounds when we talk and how different she is when we are doing so. If someone can change someone so much that their mother notices, that is saying something special is going on. I'm glad to hear her mom may be seeing true things now.

We spoke about feelings. I told her that I have never had these feelings I'm having now. Not about anything or anyone. This baby has changed me for the rest of my life. Whether he is mine or not, these changes will never leave me. I told her if it wasn't for these feelings I never would have gone looking into things. From the moment the doctor made the foot comment I was sold. Then things went crazy, which led to me questioning things. All that led me to looking into everything and finding all the stuff I have. I'm convinced everything I know is true, because I've gotten all my info from the source. I learned that she too is having feelings. I can tell with how things have been going things are different. Hopefully this morning we can talk more about these feelings and more.

I got some info on this baby story she asked me about from my old job. The info being the source, which didn't surprise me. You see the source of the info is close to her husband. Close as in family. That just tells me if you got people making up stories to make you look good, someone somewhere is worried. All I can say is, if he had a test done what is he worried about? Why have people make up shit to make me look bad? Good questions...

I have heartburn tonight.

My friend and I are probably seeing the new Star Wars flick this weekend. Yes, I'm a dorkus.

The would be buyer called me today. Said he's been trying to deal with a lawyer the zoning lady recommend. Problem is, the lawyer doesn't seem to work much. He told me he was contacting a different lawyer today and would call me with some info. He apologized and then ripped into the zoning lady and her recommendation. It made me chuckle, but that doesn't change the fact I want this done!

Later.

Well said.

Times brought on a change of heart,
and my thoughts were caught up in the chaos.
All I could do was focus on all that was wrong,
leaving behind those things I wanted to love for so long.
Silence gives you only two choices.
You accept things you don’t understand,
or you transform into a crazy man.
Neither of them are choices one should face,
but you take what is on your plate.
Prepared to accept what I was given,
my anger began to rage.
Fueling my thoughts of fire,
with gasoline.
All I could do is try to forget what I wanted,
and move in an opposite direction.
For many days I prepared my steps,
right foot first then left.
Then there was a pause,
silence had been broken.
With simple words,
the truth overcame the heat of the fires.
The flames fizzled and my anger subsided,
paving the way for better days.

Slow

Tonight is going slowly and I notice yet again I'm tired.

The meeting with my friends went well. I'll detail all that later. I'm going to try to find something to do here to keep my eyes from shutting.

Later.

Calm

Today has been a calm day. "Sissypants" called me again this morning. I think she realizes talking with me isn't the worse thing for her. In fact I think it's helpful. We talked for about a hour and laughed for most of it. She thanked me for taking her away from reality for awhile. I told her "I didn't take you away from it, we just went down a alley." So far things are still smoothing out nicely on that front. She told me her husband was talking some shit. You know, stuff to just get to her inside. Asshole... She said something about seeing me this week. The last time I was told that, it never happened so I'm just going to wait and see. I'd love to see her. Things are much more mellow in my head since she's come around and has opened up. Still no new news about any kind of testing today. I think I'm going down to my friends house and talking about that some. Yes, it's still heavily on my mind and will be until I get to the bottom of it.

I shaved my goatee today. First time since senior pictures. I had those done in 1995...

Haven't heard from the buyer since Friday. I'm calling him after 7. I want this done! These past couple days have racked up the minutes on my cell phone. It's gonna be one hell of a bill this month. That's ok though, I'll pay it.

Later.

Words spoken

To my surprise I received a phone call this morning from "sissypants". She was calling to let me know that she was calling genetree today. I was just leaving the family planning center when she called. I didn't make out well there, the lady that could have possibly given me some guidance was out of the office. She said she told me she'd let me know what was going on. I told her I had to go with what I've been handed for the past 3 weeks. Which has been nothing.

Anyway, sissypants and I spoke for a good long while. I'd say about a hour and a half. A talk that I believe should have occurred weeks ago. As it is, it happened today. We talked about many things. I can tell you, all the anger and frustration I had towards her eased just by hearing her voice. I don't know if that makes me a softy or what. That is the most serious talk we've had since this all went crazy. Probably the most serious talk we've ever had. She told me some things I needed to hear. How she was actually feeling. How she feels about me. How scared she is about this whole situation. She said she told her husband that we were much more than a fling yesterday. That she loved me...that she still loves me. I guess she said that shook him up. She told me that he said he could tell that she loved me with how she looked when she talked about me. I imagine that would shake anyone up. I know what it did to me, it melted my heart... We talked about fears, dreams, tomorrow and today. It was great and it helped me with many things. She knows me and she knows for me to be opening up like I am, I must really be feeling everything. She asked me a few things that I didn't expect. Apparently there was a rumor from my old job that I was the dad to a baby to some girl there. That was news to me and told her it had to be untrue. She had concern about it so she asked me. I have been totally open about my past mistakes. I will be totally open for the rest of my life after all this. She has a right to inquire, I don't take offense. If it makes her feel better, that's all that matters. I'm just glad she's to a point of opening up. I'm set on not repeating my mistakes.

Well she asked me before we got off the phone this morning to do some research to see if I could find any complaints about genetree. I searched google for about a hour when I got home looking for some kind of forum or something where people complained about their service. I found nothing. In fact all I found were recommendations. So I take a nap and the phone rings around 4pm. It's her and she tells me that she called genetree and guess what... they have no record or file of every doing any tests. Just like I've known for about a week now. I have no idea what she plans on doing now. It is so clear to me her husband is lieing. I just don't know what more she needs to know to point her finger at him and say "You must be lieing." She said she was taking the rest of the day off to rest. She's been in bad shape this whole time and I can't blame her for wanting to rest. She needs it after all. I know she's ready to burn one...too bad she's gonna have to wait!

My current emotional state? Somewhat mellow. I no longer think it is necessary to do what I was thinking of doing. She took a big step in telling her husband to do away with that idea. My anger has come down a ton since our conversations today. It was very helpful for me and I hope it helped her.

Now what... that's a good question. Without anything to test I'll have to wait until this baby is born. That is something I wish could have been avoided but there's not much I can do. Patience must be had. I'd like to see her husband break down and admit he's done something so dishonest and wrong. We'll see what happens.

As for now, back to work.

Later.

It is written

Now it's just a matter if I pass it along. This will depend on what happens with this testing. If I'm dicked around for many more days it will be passed along, and I won't feel sorry for doing so. What do I have? Oh I can't say, not just yet. It is written and it is waiting. It will burst a bubble or two if it comes down to me passing this along. I feel evil, but yet giggly about it. That's what happens when people drive you to the point where I'm at. I've begged for a test or a copy of their test paper and I won't be one bit surprised if all I do is get is "I can't do this right now." That just ain't gonna cut. Her telling me to give her time ain't gonna cut it. I'm gonna cut through all that pussy bullshit and get this ball rolling today. I hope this goes smoothly but if it doesn't I'm in to mood to do what I must do. If what I must do is become the asshole, then shine me up with shit. I know if I pass along my little surprise everyone will think I'm a asshole. That's fine with me. I'll live.

You won't believe what I composed,
I can't wait until it's told.
It's all gonna go down,
for all the clowns and their games and lies.

I'm going to the family planning clinic today. See if they can give me any advice if I need to seek legal help with this matter. I have my notebook ready.

My status? No much sadness, much frustration. I wonder what "sissypants" is going to do if she's faced with genetree telling her "I'm sorry miss we don't have that on file". hahahaha I know what she'll do. She'll ask her husband what's wrong instead of seeing the truth that's there. The truth that's been there for 3 weeks. I'm ready. Swipe my credit card, swipe my cheek, mail me test results so I can get some fucking sleep.

My friends wife told me my friend of many many years got upset with her for talking to sissypants. I can see where he's coming from but she wasn't doing a thing other than being the middle man. I knew it was going down. She was passing info from A to B. I didn't tell her anything I haven't told sissypants. So nothing worse can happen than already has. I feel bad about that. I really appreciate her doing that and have gained a fair bit more of respect for her during this time. Like I said I can see where my buddy is coming from, but he's just misunderstanding what was happening. I'll have a talk with him.

Back to work.

Later.

Happenings

Well my good friends wife has been in communication with "sissypants" today. She seems to think that I'm holding on because of her. This is incorrect. Maybe a week ago, now it's all about finding out for sure what's been going on with this baby and genetic testing. I truthfully don't believe any test was done. I had my friends wife put sissypants on the spot by telling her there is nothing that is stopping her from requesting my DNA be tested with the fluid genetree has on file. If in fact they ever had the test done. I told her this about a week ago as well. I doubt the test because they don't have their names on file or record. I don't mean to repeat myself but it's all true! So we'll see what comes from this. She said she'd call about it Monday. That doesn't mean I'll hear from her. I'll believe it when I see it. I'm also only going to do this if the test results are sent to me. If she doesn't like it, tough shit. I can't trust anyone other than myself, friends, family, and the good folks at genetree. Sissypants left me a offline IM saying "give me some time". It's been three weeks, your time is up. I'm taking this fucker by the horns and I'm steering now.

Yes I still get sad, but I get pissed the more and more I think about things. Apparently sissypants is trying to work things out with her husband. How is she going about doing this? By lieing. Look where lies have gotten her. I don't feel one ounce of remorse anymore for any stress I bring on her, because she's bringing it all on herself. If she would just be honest with everyone this would have been a lot easier. As it is, the only truths I know are the truths I have found on my own. So help me God if there was never a test done and I've been lied to because she thinks working things out with her husband is best for that baby, there will be a man walking on this planet very very pissed off. I could understand her working things out with her husband, but how can you do that if you're not going to let him know about everything? Seems to me she's only telling him I was a one time fling or maybe a few timer. Not a three year long romance. Thanks a fucking lot. You are becoming more selfish with each passing day...Why wouldn't she be honest, probably because no matter how much of an asshole her husband is, he probably wouldn't "forgive and forget" something that had gone on so long. He may be an asshole, but maybe he's not a sucker.

Had lunch with my folks today. Pork chops were good. I can't remember the last time I had a pork chop. My mom had some more advice for me but still lets me know she respects whatever I decide to do. She told me a year before I was born she had an abortion. That was news to me. I think no differently of her for it, she did what she thought was best for herself. For the well being of my mind, I must know for sure about the baby. No matter how much "easier" it may be if I just turned the cheek and looked the other way, that's not going to happen. If I'm going to be a dad, I'm going into parenthood fighting for what I believe in. Some people should realize that I'm not a quitter by now and one hell of a fighter.

So now I'm getting ready for a nap. My heart rate is up. My blood is pumping and my mind is racing less. I'm focused on the baby. Whatever needs to be done, I'm doing. With or without help, I'm getting to the bottom of this one way or another. I don't expect much more pain on my behalf. If things get painful for sissypants, just look in the mirror and point your finger. You have caused me nothing but pain for 3 weeks now by electing to ignore me. What do they say...Pay backs a bitch.

Later.

Sleep is coming

Had a few drinks this evening...feeling a little saucy.

Talked a bunch about current events w/ friends today. I notice my sadness level is dropping and my anger level is rising. Too much frustration can only be ignored for so long. Speaking of ignoring, if anyone in this world thinks that I will go away just because I'm being ignored is wrong! Time will show this.

I got a very dear friend into some trouble today by speaking about something that is a decade old if not older. I apologize to him for any troubles I may have caused. He has been a good confidant in my times of need and the last thing I want to do is bring him down.

My cat agrees, it's time for bed.

Later.

Someone tell me what is going on.

That someone would be "sissypants".

So I pick up the phone around 10ish last night. Finally get through to her. I ask her what is going on? What did you find out? Stuff like that. She tells me that genetree has that document. I ask, then why don't they have your names? Not much of a response is given other than she can't do this right now. So I make a request. I do not think it's a absurd request. All I asked for was some kind of account number or test number, something from that document so I can call genetree and hear it from them. A copy would be best. She refused. Why? I do not know. I have a right to hear this information. I need closure and so does she. If that document is true, then why are there any problems? Let me hear it so I can move on and she can move on. I can not just accept hearing it from her only because of everything I have found out on my own. Turn around time and no names on file when they keep records for 7 years is plenty for me to go on! To me something is wrong, very wrong somewhere. I only spoke to her for about 10 minutes before she got so upset she left the house. Running away doesn't fix anything. Then I spoke to her mom. Before she left the house I had her mom say this to her "I'm begging you, please give me something from that letter. A number, a copy, anything so I can hear it for myself and then this can all be done." I heard her in the back ground say no, and it was a very painful no. Like a no that was filled with untruths, like a no that was forced on her. I refuse to believe anything until I hear it from genetree. All it will take is conformation from them. That letter her husband has lost all merit with me weeks ago with my research. However if I am provided information from that letter that I can get verified through genetree, then I will accept it. This should not be this difficult unless something is being hidden. Like the truth.

Her mom and I spoke for a little while. Then we chatted online. Her moms answers to some of my questions also raised my brow when it comes to believing. Her mom sounded very unsure about what was going on. Lots of answers like "I hope so" when I asked her if she thought she was being true and doing the right thing. In a situation like this hope isn't the answer, facts are. So here I am with a pile of facts I have found on my own in one hand, and in the other nothing but doubt about this fucking "letter" from genetree that only took 4 days to get there with test results on it.

So what do I plan on doing? Well I am going to explore my options. I'm going to seek legal help. I would really hate to do that but I need to know. For many reasons. I have enough to prove her and I have been having relations for quite sometime, so there's all the proof I need to raise questions about the father of the baby. If I have to have a court force them to do another test with my DNA I will, OR they could just give me something from this letter so I can hear it from genetree. I know what I would do, especially if everyone is so sure and believes this paper is true. I'd say, "Just give him a copy, let him call and that can be that." No names on file or record makes me say that letter is a pile of bullshit. Something else is going on here and until it's proven to me I will always think this way.

How am I feeling? Hurt. Confused. Lost. I can't believe she would just accept whatever her husband hands her as fact. I can't believe she'd be so willing to go back after she gathered up enough strength to leave on her own. I remember that night, she was so strong. I was very proud to be in love with her. This is not the same sissypants I was talking to on the phone. What is it called when you don't learn from mistakes? Ignorance? I'm not sure what to call it. Do I still love her? Yes I do, as crazy as that may sound. I however, can't let her keep me from learning the truth about this baby. So no matter what I have to do, I will do it. I can no longer set my own needs aside for anyone. This is something I need to find out. I told her mom "I'm 27 now, if I don't hear for myself about the test I will question this when I'm 77." That is 100% true. I will never be able to forget this or move on until someone from genetree tells me there was actually a test done and what the results were. Prove it to me, that's all I ask.

I do not foresee hearing from sissypants for awhile. I just tried calling and got the voicemail I will however be in contact with her if I don't hear from her in a few days. By that time I'll have a plan together. I'll know what I can do legally. What do I hope to get out of this? The truth. If the baby is mine, I want to be in his life. It is a boy after all, with some big feet. You know, my feet were so big when I was born they didn't fit on the foot printing pads. I'm not looking to find out just so I can pay support. I want to be involved if he is my child. If he's not, I can work on healing and letting go to a lot of things. Never in a million years did I foresee all this coming. It's here now and it has to be dealt with. Sooner or later sissypants will have to stop running out of the room. If she doesn't, I don't know how she could live with herself.

It's time to go focus on something else for awhile. Like painting.

Later.

No news makes me crazy

Well, I still have heard nothing. What should I gather from that? I don't know. I called "sissypants" this morning and left her a voice mail. I strongly suggested that she should confront her husband about this if she hadn't already. I also told her I was not rushing her and I realize that she's going off the deep end. I hope she knows I too am going off the deep end. Speaking of the deep end, I called genetree again. I thought of another question to cover all angels for any kind of reason her husband could give to as why the test results aren't there. They told me they keep records for at least 7 years. So no test and the results are out the window. I'll call her tomorrow if I don't hear from her tonight. My one friend that see's her daily at the end of the school day said she hasn't been there since this went down. That just makes me concerned, very very concerned.


Later.

Early morning thoughts

Did you ever test yourself so much that failure would be an acceptable outcome? I haven't...

I got a phone call around 8pm regarding the house. It appears the buyer is ready to buy, and now. He said he's willing to take the risk on the property. You see the hold up in this whole selling process has been zoning. He wants to open a garage, and the property is currently zoned to do so, but there are steps that have to be taken. Steps that would take 30-60 days. He told me he'll just take the chance and move now. He said he'd call me tomorrow. We need to agree on a sales agreement, which shouldn't be a problem. This is all in good timing because a house I was interested in was thought to be sold, but as of yesterday is back on the market. Timing is crazy at times. It would be great to get this deal done.

Friday the 13th doesn't scare me.

I laid down to take a nap around 8. I woke up on my own around 10:20. My alarm didn't go off, which was odd. Then by the time I got dressed my alarm was dead it was like it was unplugged. I guess I have to buy a new one today. I usually don't need my alarm to get up. I have a good internal alarm clock. I'm sure that's called something. I always set the clock though, just incase. I hate the feeling of waking up and having to rush around.

My direct deposit started this week. Odd getting a check with no value. It will be a time saver though. No more weekly runs to the bank and that is a good thing.

How am I? So-so. I wrote a poem a couple of hours ago. I can't seem to get "sissypants" out of my head for very long. I worry. I know worrying does nothing, but that doesn't mean I can't stop it. I wish I knew what was being said to her about this whole genetree thing. I don't see what could be possibly said other than "I'm a lieing fuck who's only interested in what's best for me, and I don't care who I hurt in the process of getting it." Sure I can't claim I'm not interested in something. However, I can say that I'm not focused on this so much for me. I would hate to see her live her life like she was before we met. I would also hate to see her accept the husband as the father when it's so clear now that he lied about everything. What can I do? I can't force anyone to do anything. I bet the husband likes to force things. Like lies and pain. Maybe my phone will ring today or maybe it won't. Either way she will be in my heart and thoughts.

I'd like to get drunk this weekend. Maybe I will. I'd probably sleep better that way.

Later.

Silence

I have heard nothing from "sissypants" today. This makes me curious. I am not going to bug her incase she is dealing with things. She is in my thoughts and heart. I will be here ready to listen whenever she is ready to open up. After everything that was found out yesterday I'm not so sure what more I could do other than respect her need for time, peace, and quiet. She deserves that. She also deserves to be loved. I can handle that.

Sleep was scatter today. I slept for about 3 good hours then off and on. So now I'm up. Took a shower, brushed my teeth and now I think I'm going to go for a ride.

Got some shit to do in the morning. Have to run a couple of errands for my folks. Pick up a land scaping timber, pick up some sort of stand from the tobacco barn for my dad. Then I'm going to go sign the divorce papers. Then the last thing left will be to sell this house, which is close. I'll say it again, getting out of this place will be helpful.

Maybe I'll try to find myself some dinner along my journey. I've lost 25lbs in 3 weeks. My mom worries. I'm not so concerned. I could use to loose another 20. It's amazing how much emotions can change you physically.

Time to refill the cat's food dish. By the way the cat's name is Rajah. He's the best cat I've ever had.

Later.

Ask and you may be surprised at what you find

Those three questions I asked genetree were answered like this.

1. no
2. yes
3. no

This whole time I've been speaking with the same person at genetree (Brain). When I spoke to "sissypants" about things later in the day she seemed to have some concern about that fact so I told her I'd talk to someone else. I called them back and spoke to Natile. I'm not sure if that's spelled right. Well, I asked all the same questions and got all the same answers. However, she asked me something interesting. She asked me for names and she said she would look them up and see when the results were sent. I thought that was pretty cool so I dropped her husbands name, and then sissypants name. She looked them both up and found NOTHING on file or record. I called sissypants to make sure I had the spelling correct on last names. So after that Natile looked again and still found NOTHING. I'm not sure what I felt when I heard that. I was shook up that's for sure. I called sissypants to tell her this. She seemed stunned and confused, rightfully so. I told her to call for herself and she did. She called me back and told me the very things I had been told. After we talked for awhile, she told me she was going to go over to her husbands place after he got home. Try to get somewhere. I haven't heard from her since then. I can't wait to hear what was said. I only hope he didn't do anything harmful. At this point I would put nothing past him.

Now it's time to rant. How could anyone be so fucking selfish? She has been going through so much these past weeks and for what? Nothing. For someone's bullshit lie. This means she had amniotic fluid removed for nothing. He put this baby in harms way for nothing. He put my "sissypants" in harms way for nothing. What kind of man does this? A man of nothing. It's so hard to believe someone could be so heartless and claim his love. I feel nothing for this man other than disgust. If I see him, I will spit on him. Not that he's worth my spit, because he's not. I have done everything in my power to prove my love for this wonderful woman and her beautiful baby to be and this man has done nothing but lie his way into this situation. Sir, I swear it to God I will spit on you.

Before I get too carried away I better address some questions I have. Like, what now? I do not expect sissypants to come leaping into my arms, even though I'd catch her if she did. I'm sure she'll need her time to deal with this. I pray that this is enough for her to see her husband is not worth one single second of any given day and treats him as such. What about testing now? I'm no longer interested in testing. I believe this all was test enough. I would happily accept the honor of being this child's father. Without question. If her husband demands a test, I say he had his chance and he flushed it down the shitter. Let him live the rest of his life knowing that he did this to himself. I look forward to hearing from sissypants and moving forward.

I told my mom I couldn't believe what I found out. She told me yes I could, because I knew deep down something was wrong and I didn't ignore those feelings. I asked a friend if they thought I did the right thing. Without question they said I did the smartest and best thing I could possibly do. I can never ever apologize for following my heart. For me to do so would be saying I didn't want this more than anything, and I won't speak or type those words.

I had dinner again with my folks. Talked to my mom a lot about things. She's been a gem through this. We had Arby's and now my gut is paying the price. It was good though!

How did I sleep? I slept for about 3 hours today. I tried napping around 7 but I couldn't get my mind to stop. It's going to be one long night tonight. I got the soda open and the radio up.

So my future novel continues to be written. Day by day the chapters grow.

Later.

It's out there

I spoke with "sissypants" this morning in great detail about all my questions and concerns. She see's things from both sides of the fence. She thinks that if the results from the first test were so high what's the point? Why shouldn't she just leave it as that? I could go on and on about why...let me just say this. If she's willing to accept that as fact why can't she accept the fact she decided to love me 2 years ago? She's the one that chose to leave her current situation to try for the best life she could have. Why does this pregnacy have to change any of that? I don't know the answer. It's a situation and with any situation it can be dealt with. I'm willing and able, she must have doubts about it. Interesting... She told me she can also see where I'm coming from. Wanting to know for sure either way. I hope she can find some strength to do this, if not I'll always have those questions with me. She told me that she doesn't think her husband will give permission to do any other tests. RED FLAG, to me anyway. She told me he's convinced the baby is his. I say if he's so convinced then he should have no fears. Due to all my research and time I can't say I'm convinced he is. I know there's a window in the percentages that allow for a higher match. If I would have been led down different avenues while looking into things then I'd have no questions, but all I have gotten from all of it is more questions. Turn around time is the biggest point I have. Either genetree is lieing about their turn around times on the test or something is funny about those results. Why would genetree lie about turn around times? My point exactly...I am going to call genetree yet again and ask about doing another test with what they have there on file. Again, it may all be for nothing if her husband won't agree. I know if I was so sure, I wouldn't have a problem with it.

She is going through a ton of shit right now. I know how fucked up I feel right now I can only imagine how it is on her. You have me trying to get her to do things she probably would rather avoid and you have her husband only doing God knows what. She told me she'd like to disappear, like to Mexico. I'd like to disappear, by gazing into her eyes. That's where I want to be. She is where I find so much.

Supposivly she said we could meet tomorrow night. If that's the case she's got a ton of poetry and a CD coming her way. I look forward to seeing her again, whenever that may be. It's been 8 days since I last saw her. Yes, I do know it down to the day. I always feel like I can't say this enough: Baby or not, I love her and it changes nothing! Should it? If so, why? If not, then why are we apart? Circumstances and situations are no reasons to turn away love.

As for me? I'm doing better since I spoke to her about what I had on my mind. I feel bad when I upset her, but I can't pretend that these things aren't real. This is all very real. I apologize to her, for anything I do that is upsetting. It is not my goal. I'm not so sure by her knowing everything I found if it's going to get anywhere but at least it's out there. I have a couple calls to make today so I should have some more info about stuff later. I have a couple new questions to ask, thanks to a very balanced and relaxed friend.

1. Does genetree print out the papers with a four day turnaround stating percentages?
2. Does genetree do the analysis?
3. If someone claims to have a statement that took four days to get stating a percentage, is there any way that document could have come from genetree?


I dropped off some stuff at the rescue workers this morning. I had to get it out of the back of my truck before it rained. It hasn't rained in a few days we could use some. I know my face has felt some rain here and there since the last time it rained. Did I say rain? I meant tears...

Anyway it's getting close to try for a nap. I hope for a few hours of sleep anyway.

Later.

So many questions

Well if it weren't for me and these feelings I'm sure everything would be ok, right? I could just go on living accepting what other people tell me. However the voices just don't stop. I've come to a point in my life where I know it's best not to ignore what you hear on the inside. So I listen to the questions that are raised. I called around yet again, talked to the genetree people. Once again they told me it wasn't possible to get results back so soon, even if they received the fluid the day after it was drawn. The guy (Brain) told me the only way a test could get done that fast was if they didn't do a throe exam, which he assured me was not something genetree practices. So once again I find myself in the position of needing to ask "sissypants" things she probably would like to avoid. If she ever reads this (which I hope she will someday) I'd like to take this time to tell her: I'm sorry baby, but I need to know and be sure everything is being done the right way. My research, phone calls, and gut feeling are telling me something isn't right. I'm not holding on in desperation or anything like that. I'm doing what I feel needs to be done and I hope that you will understand. I believe it is what's for the best for everyone involved.

What I need to ask are a couple things. First I need to ask if she got her husband to agree to let genetree send her the info they sent him. I say if he refuses to do anything she requests regarding this matter it should be yet another red flag to someone other than me. Since she's to far along now to do another fluid removal, what's wrong with using the fluid they already tested? My mom raised that point. It would be the same stuff no matter what. All I would have to do is send them in a sample of my DNA and they could compare it to what they have on file. That is if she can get her husbands permission. Again, due to privacy issues this will all revolve around him and his cooperation. I would of course be wiling to pay for this. All I ask is the results are sent to me or to her. Not to her husbands address. I'd be interested in seeing that turn around time, not to mention the results. Then we could see where all that would lead us.

I've told her this many times, to me the baby isn't a deal maker or breaker. I don't think it should be. I love her for who she is, her condition doesn't change those feelings. It's a shame, in my view, that the circumstances have changed everything so much. I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't interested in the baby at all. It would be nice to know for sure as early as possible if I have been right or wrong about these feelings about the baby. If it turns out I have no shot at being the father, that's fine. I can accept that fact and move on from it. It would be a silencer for all the questions I have swirling around about it. If it turns out I have a good shot at being the father, that's fine too. I just would like to know instead of being stuck in this maybe I am, maybe I'm not zone. I hope I can get her to suck it up, and do this not just for me but for herself and the baby.

I did manage to string a couple hours of sleep together today. For a little while anyway. I feel rested for the first time in a few days.

I heard from the zoning lady today about the house I have for sale. Seems like everything is going smoothly, and slowly. It's going to be 30-60 days for this zoning board stuff to play out. I'm hoping on the side of 30 days. I will contact the would be buyer today and see what he thinks. My mom told me I could crash at their place if I had to. I take some comfort in that, but will do my best to avoid it. If the buyer and I can't work out some kind of agreement soon that apartment I am interested in will be gone. I was thinking he could buy all my building materials for $2000 and I could use that towards the apartment.

A poem a day, keeps my heart strong and my love in focus.

Later.

Almost bed time

"Sissypants" called me this morning. Talk about a chipper camper right now! From today on out I'm going to do my best to cut back on all the sobbing shit. I think it would be better for a few reasons. I'm sure the last thing she wants to do is hear me cry the blues every time she calls. Every conversation still ends with us exchanging I love you's. Time I start to relax a little and find some comfort in that.

I split some wood this morning for no reason other than to try to poop myself out. I'm a little on the sleepy side now so I'm off to bed.

Later.

I'm tired.

It was said to me earlier in the day that I must have the patience of a saint. I have no idea how much patience a saint has. I know I'm no saint. Not technically. I just think some things in life are worth the wait. Some things are also worth the pain. I can not put a limit on any of this. It is a test I refuse to fail. I should actually be saying some people and not be limiting it to things. I have seen love and thought I had it, but it has slipped. Like a set of gears that jumped out of time. Why? Because some people choose to do what is best for others instead of putting themselves first. I don't use that as blame and I fault no one for doing so. In fact I understand, to a degree. I may not agree with it, in fact I don't. That does not mean I can not be understanding, no matter how much it hurts.

I spoke with "sissypants" a great deal today. I love her voice, but it's not the same as seeing her, being with her. It must be hard for her. She means so much to me. I feel at times I'm the problem and I should disappear. If that only would fix things, but I know it would not. I know I'm a stress causer, because I'm part of the situation, and I know that stress is no good for her. Especially at this time. What can I do though? It's going to be a long emotional journey. Along the way I hope to find the answers to some questions and maybe even get a picture or two. My mom said to me no matter which way things go, it's going to be hard for everyone. I have told sissypants this and I'll say it again: I am not afraid of paying the price for love. If I am currently paying that price, I know in time it will be worth it. I asked her today if we should work on saying good-bye. She asked me if that was even possible to do. We both don't think it is. Man, my heart aches every second of everyday since this all took the off ramp to crazyville. It's no wonder I can't sleep or eat. I'm consumed by all of this. I will allow it to feast on me until it's hunger has been filled.

I remember Mountain Dew tasting better as a kid.

I'm dizzy right now. I thought about calling off tonight just to sleep but I drug my bones in. I'm more than ready to get some sleep. I woke up today and I had no idea what was going on. My heart was racing, I was scared and shaking, and my phone was ringing. Talk about feeling good. I answer the phone and it was someone my dad works with asking me about wood. Pissed? Yes I was. I'm not even out of the house yet and vultures are circling. I'd give someone everything I have if they had a pass to the future. Lets say for 6 months down the road. Who wants all my stuff?

I suppose I should find some work to do. If I sit here much longer I will begin to nod off.

Later.

Events of today

Well I made a few calls today. I called the genetree people to ask them what the quickest possible turn around time was for getting results back on a Amniocentesis test and they told me 2-4 weeks. Now then the results "sissypants" husband got were back in less than a week. Fluid was taken on like wed or Thursday and results were back on Monday. I asked the genetree folks if that was possible and they said "no". So I informed sissypants of this and told her to call for herself. Now they told her it depended on how quickly the samples were sent to their labs. Still, test results in less than a week is impossible. Supposivly she's going to have her husband get her a copy of the papers because of privacy issues they wouldn't give her any info. I just hope she follows through. Something in my gut says the turn around time is off. I hope she realizes this too. If she doesn't and if I want to push for a parental test now I have to wait 4 months until the kid is born. She's too far along for testing now. It's going to be a interesting ride.

The wife and I finally agreed to terms on this divorce. Got the paper signed and notarized. We actually had a moment or two of sadness today. Don't get me wrong, she is not all bad. She has a lot of good in her. More good than not. It's just that her good and my good are different even though they are both good. Now we need to hammer out the details on selling this house. I really need out of here. I found a apartment I think I'm going to go for, especially if I can get the buyer to pay the lease! Found out the buyer is just going to pay out of his pocket for the place. Must be nice to have that option. I think that will speed the selling process up once the ball actually starts rolling.

How am I? A little crazy again today. Better than earlier. I was having many issues. Still am, but I think I'm getting tired. I can't seem to sleep more than a hour at a time these days. Nap time comes...hopefully.

Had dinner with my folks today. I wanted to talk about what I found out from my day. Life's been better between us lately. I don't know if it's because I'm having so many troubles or because it's just finally that time. Either way I'm glad things are working out good. My parents have totally surprised me through this. I appreciate them greatly for their support.

Well it's just about time to shut these eyes. Now then where's my cat...

Later.

Where's my strength?

Yes...I am on the clock.

I was doing so well today, when it comes to dealing with all my madness. I was even able to silence the voices in my head to get a nap. I find myself in a moment of weakness. I'm so hurt about this situation. I miss my "sissypants" so much. You see I have a real hard time opening up to people, let alone trying to become so close to someone to call it love. Well what I have for her is love, and it is like bleeding ulcer in my stomach right now. I have to pull myself together. I am choosing to go through this because I believe it will be for the good. I've notice I have a knack for getting into relationships that are difficult in the early stages. I don't know why, I just do. I'm sure many people would be happy to find out that there's a good chance they weren't the father of a unplanned child. I however am not. I'm not even totally sure about not being the father. Please refer to my first blog if you find yourself confused. I just want to know.

I'll change the topic to a degree. Mothers day went well. I took my mom out to lunch. We talked a lot about my current life situation. I learned a few things. I learned that my grandfather had a nervous breakdown while he was in the military. I also learned the my "crazy" Uncle Frank is a skitso. I notice that all the males on my mom's side of the family are a little off. Myself included. My mom had a rough couple days leading up to mothers day. You see this is the first mothersday she's been without her mother. My gram was the best. I went to her grave today to have some words with her. Some silent, some spoken. I miss her a great deal myself, I can only imagine how my mom feels.

I checked out a apartment today. Not a bad little place. They even allow cats! If all goes well I may be able to get the would be buyer of the house to pay for it. I'm not looking to rent, it gets you nowhere. I am however ready to get out of that house. It's just a great big reminder of my failures. It's a shame, but I know it will do me a ton of good to never see that place again. Hopefully that day is coming soon. Typed out a divorce agreement. Going to meet with the wife today. I think it is very fair. Hopefully she does to and we can check that off the to do list. I'm told my papers are in the mail. Then the only thing left to take care of is getting this house gone and I should know more about that today.

I've written two poems tonight. It's unbelievable the amount of shit going through my head, my heart. Shame I'm almost out of pot because I sure could use to burn one.

A guy that worked here died over the weekend. He was the same age as me, 27. He was kind of in the same situation I am in except he wasn't married. I guess he got drunk and took his girlfriends car and that's all she wrote. I don't want to die, no matter how bad I feel. Makes me think I'm a lucky bastard for all the crazy shit I've done. I guess you never know when the reaper is going to come. I haven't turned to the alcohol and I hope I don't. I remember some bad times when I turned to drinking. If I do I'm sure I'll let it be known.

Holly shit someone just brought me some work. To bad it only lasted 5 minutes. I think I will find myself something to get in to.

Later.

1st post

John is JW and JW is John.

Well I'm not sure where to begin. A little with myself I suppose. First allow me to apologize for anything that may not make sense. I'm high at the moment. Since we are on the internet and we all can be free and honest allow me to take this opportunity to say "fuck off" to anyone that thinks I'm some kind of "bad" person because I get high. No offense, but if you think that way you're more retarded than you must look. I have 3 tattoos as well. You better pray for me next Sunday.

I could go back a couple weeks ago or years. I guess I should start with the basics. I'm probably like many people. Done somethings you regret and some you didn't. Then there's those times when you have a little of both. I'm currently in the early stages of divorce. I've been married since 1999. No children. I must say it is dragging out too much for my liking. I think it took like 30 minutes to get married, why does it take 3 months to get divorced? I can't get my wife to budge on a whole lot. You see my wife thinks a lot like a greedy child. Even though you have something that is obviously yours, she wants it. She seems to think she is owed, so her payday will come whether I like it or not. We have a house together. On paper anyway. There is a seller all lined up. This too is dragging. Hopefully tomorrow will be a very productive day with many things.

My cat is demanding my attention...

Then there's my "sissypants". The newest love in my life. I met her 2 years ago and life hasn't been the same. She too is married. She came to me one December day this past with news that she was pregnant. Since that day I have been trying to come to terms with the fact that I was going to be a daddy. Stoner me. The man with enough on his plate already. Sure I can say I was scared, I can even admit confused. I knew though I wouldn't go anywhere. I was going to do the best I could with the situation. Pay the price, and I've come to think the reward would be worth it. However situation can change...

About three weeks ago now things started going on the side of soap opera material. Turns out the husband that has been neutered is the dad. Well according to the test results he has. Also, I've only seen "sissypants" twice since then. To say I'm a wreck would be like calling getting hit in the nuts a tickle. I have so much on my plate now it's spilling onto the table. You see the husband got the test results back in 4 days. The quickest turn around time I found for the test results would be 7 days. So now I question if he actually could have lied about that. I am calling the testing place tomorrow about turn around times. I'll fill you in.

So here I sit, thinking. Do I demand a test now? What would happened if I tested and the kid turned out to be mine after all? That is if we went according to percentages. Talk about another twist. You see the test that is done to do all this isn't the best for the fetus. Check it out: http://www.genetree.com/product/prenatal-paternity-testing.asp She had a miscarriage before so there is some emotional problems involved with all this, as if there weren't any without that fact. I'm not so sure she'd be willing to do it again. There's only one way to find out.

I know my writing has been at a fevered pitch. I haven't written like this in a good 3 years or so. Here's something I wrote the other day.

Sometimes once the mind has been broken,
it heals incorrectly.
So, like a bone,
it must be rebroken.
There is no doctor to do the breaking,
and no one to oversee the healing.
This must all be done by the one,
who knows their own reflection.
You must recognize when your own eyes,
are telling you something.
They are the window,
to ones soul.
The hardest thing to do if you can imagine,
is to look in the mirror and admit to yourself something is wrong.
Taking that first step,
begins the long healing process.
Don't be fooled by mixed messages from the outside,
pull down the blinds,
become one with who you are on in the inside.
Then and only then,
can you begin to live life as who you are.
Nothing greater could come from healing,
nothing...

Yea, I'm head over heals for her. I'd hate to think it was for nothing.

Well it's time for me to try to take a nap before work. Maybe I'll pay a visit to this from there. You see, my job is so filled with excitement I will have time to do that. If you knew me, you'd know I wasn't bragging about that fact.

Later