Where's my strength?

Yes...I am on the clock.

I was doing so well today, when it comes to dealing with all my madness. I was even able to silence the voices in my head to get a nap. I find myself in a moment of weakness. I'm so hurt about this situation. I miss my "sissypants" so much. You see I have a real hard time opening up to people, let alone trying to become so close to someone to call it love. Well what I have for her is love, and it is like bleeding ulcer in my stomach right now. I have to pull myself together. I am choosing to go through this because I believe it will be for the good. I've notice I have a knack for getting into relationships that are difficult in the early stages. I don't know why, I just do. I'm sure many people would be happy to find out that there's a good chance they weren't the father of a unplanned child. I however am not. I'm not even totally sure about not being the father. Please refer to my first blog if you find yourself confused. I just want to know.

I'll change the topic to a degree. Mothers day went well. I took my mom out to lunch. We talked a lot about my current life situation. I learned a few things. I learned that my grandfather had a nervous breakdown while he was in the military. I also learned the my "crazy" Uncle Frank is a skitso. I notice that all the males on my mom's side of the family are a little off. Myself included. My mom had a rough couple days leading up to mothers day. You see this is the first mothersday she's been without her mother. My gram was the best. I went to her grave today to have some words with her. Some silent, some spoken. I miss her a great deal myself, I can only imagine how my mom feels.

I checked out a apartment today. Not a bad little place. They even allow cats! If all goes well I may be able to get the would be buyer of the house to pay for it. I'm not looking to rent, it gets you nowhere. I am however ready to get out of that house. It's just a great big reminder of my failures. It's a shame, but I know it will do me a ton of good to never see that place again. Hopefully that day is coming soon. Typed out a divorce agreement. Going to meet with the wife today. I think it is very fair. Hopefully she does to and we can check that off the to do list. I'm told my papers are in the mail. Then the only thing left to take care of is getting this house gone and I should know more about that today.

I've written two poems tonight. It's unbelievable the amount of shit going through my head, my heart. Shame I'm almost out of pot because I sure could use to burn one.

A guy that worked here died over the weekend. He was the same age as me, 27. He was kind of in the same situation I am in except he wasn't married. I guess he got drunk and took his girlfriends car and that's all she wrote. I don't want to die, no matter how bad I feel. Makes me think I'm a lucky bastard for all the crazy shit I've done. I guess you never know when the reaper is going to come. I haven't turned to the alcohol and I hope I don't. I remember some bad times when I turned to drinking. If I do I'm sure I'll let it be known.

Holly shit someone just brought me some work. To bad it only lasted 5 minutes. I think I will find myself something to get in to.

Later.