I'm tired.

It was said to me earlier in the day that I must have the patience of a saint. I have no idea how much patience a saint has. I know I'm no saint. Not technically. I just think some things in life are worth the wait. Some things are also worth the pain. I can not put a limit on any of this. It is a test I refuse to fail. I should actually be saying some people and not be limiting it to things. I have seen love and thought I had it, but it has slipped. Like a set of gears that jumped out of time. Why? Because some people choose to do what is best for others instead of putting themselves first. I don't use that as blame and I fault no one for doing so. In fact I understand, to a degree. I may not agree with it, in fact I don't. That does not mean I can not be understanding, no matter how much it hurts.

I spoke with "sissypants" a great deal today. I love her voice, but it's not the same as seeing her, being with her. It must be hard for her. She means so much to me. I feel at times I'm the problem and I should disappear. If that only would fix things, but I know it would not. I know I'm a stress causer, because I'm part of the situation, and I know that stress is no good for her. Especially at this time. What can I do though? It's going to be a long emotional journey. Along the way I hope to find the answers to some questions and maybe even get a picture or two. My mom said to me no matter which way things go, it's going to be hard for everyone. I have told sissypants this and I'll say it again: I am not afraid of paying the price for love. If I am currently paying that price, I know in time it will be worth it. I asked her today if we should work on saying good-bye. She asked me if that was even possible to do. We both don't think it is. Man, my heart aches every second of everyday since this all took the off ramp to crazyville. It's no wonder I can't sleep or eat. I'm consumed by all of this. I will allow it to feast on me until it's hunger has been filled.

I remember Mountain Dew tasting better as a kid.

I'm dizzy right now. I thought about calling off tonight just to sleep but I drug my bones in. I'm more than ready to get some sleep. I woke up today and I had no idea what was going on. My heart was racing, I was scared and shaking, and my phone was ringing. Talk about feeling good. I answer the phone and it was someone my dad works with asking me about wood. Pissed? Yes I was. I'm not even out of the house yet and vultures are circling. I'd give someone everything I have if they had a pass to the future. Lets say for 6 months down the road. Who wants all my stuff?

I suppose I should find some work to do. If I sit here much longer I will begin to nod off.

Later.