4:14am

Hey what were you doing at 4:14am last night? Sleeping? What the fuck is wrong with you? You should have been up with me going crazy! You normal bastards, I'll never understand you. In all seriousness, I'm quite envious of what you have.

I was in the middle of writing my loving wife a note and after I finished this, I just had to post it. It is something I wish to share with the world. It is there for them to see. Here ya go: You had said the other night that you know it must be hard for me to leave at night. Let me give you a glimpse into those feelings. If I could I would quit this job right now. Damn the consequences. Fuck’em! But I know I can not. My wife, baby boy, and step kids need this. Actually, they need more but I give until it’s empty. So I suffer. For nine hours I suffer. Wishing that all this effort in trying to find a job would finally pay off. Growing ever more disgusted with myself for even being here. I have no idea of what more I could possibly do except, be patient. So, patience is what I have.

No room for advancement = Deadend = Crazy John.

So I got the timing on my car fucked. Seems like that the more I do, the less it likes me. I'm going to give it another go today. If that doesn't work my buddy is coming by to take care of it. My goal for today: Get it down the road!

It's surprising, how many emotions a single mind can have. Or is it body? Both perhaps? No matter which, it's just amazing. I can go from being down, to sitting here now wondering what is in my sexy mama's belly. Boy, girl, twins? Who knows. I can sit back and remember how I felt being in the hospital with Julie and to think I'm going to be going through it again is incredible. Actually, I won't be going through it again. This time it is going to be something different. In the end it will result in baby #2 and I can not wait to lay my eyes on him/her for the first time.

Messed my hand up the other day trying to grab the dog. I hope the thing gets better soon. I think I pulled something pretty good in there.

Who's got $10,000 to lend me? I would love to take four monthly bills and make them one with a monthly payment half of that which I pay now. We'll see what I can do...

Tick tock goes the clock on the McElhattan deal.

This message will self distruct when blogspot is dead.

Later.

I love you Julie.

Follow up

Yes, I do answer questions.

Did I find myself huddled in a corner because I yanked the thc from my system? Absolutely not. Life is no different. I do not have cold sweats or the shakes. There have been a couple times when I felt like I wanted to burn one, but the feeling goes away. Sort of like the feeling of wanting a Big Mac but driving by the golden arches. Why would you do that to yourself??? Because, it's easy. I would like to say I believe a Big Mac would be more harmful than a nice buzz.

I'm sure for some, marijuana is an excuse. The "gateway" drug. The reason people do acid, cocaine, meth, or what ever else they say it leads to. Personally, I have seen this and was quite shocked and surprised to see it. What did it lead to for me? Laughter. Some great memories that when I think back I still chuckle over. Also, relaxation. That is sometimes so very hard for me to find. Never once did I do something high that I regretted. Now, I can not claim the same for being drunk.

Why and how "da man" can think weed is more dangerous than alcohol is beyond me. Booze has led me to many more problems than anything else I've chosen to do. From bad decisions, to physical injury, to close calls it's by far the one thing that I think should be illegal. If the question was: Which has a greater risk of personal injury or death: Pot or Booze? The equation is simple: Pot < Booze. I would dare say the same about your average everday legal cigaretts. Lung cancer, what's that? A proven fact.

Which one of the three would I rather do? By far, burning one. Followed closly by having some drinks. Cigarettes have never really done anything for me and they never will. The choice is yours boys and girls. There's nothing wrong with keeping clear from any of them. If you choose to do anything, make sure it's because you want to. Your the only person that matters when it comes to doing stuf f to yourself.

"I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired,
I use to go to bed so high and wired..."
~Ozzy Osbourne

Later.

I love you Julie.

Story time

Could I interest you in a story?

I have given this no real thought, I'm just "going with the flow". All events are true...

It was sometime in 1994 which made me 16. It was dark but not terribly late. I found myself behind the YMCA with a friend. My friend showed me something that you could do with a soda can. What flavor was it? I do not remember. With a couple bends and a couple holes poked, you would have yourself a home made smoking device. Placed on top of the can where several small holes were poked was something I had never seen before. Marijuana. Pot. Weed. Herb. Mary J. Dope. By any other name, it would be the same. I can remember not being terribly impressed. Due to this I only encounter it once or twice more. That is until I was 18.

Ah, by that age the real world was in my grill. I was working a shit job with shit pay and shit hours. My home life was less than enjoyable. Almost everyday I could feel my sanity slipping further from my grasp. To the point that I think it reached my finger tips. Then Mary came waltzing back in the room. This time it was different. She looked hot, sexy and easy. I would ask the questions, and she would have the answers. Soon I found myself in a long relation. It was a give and take sort of thing. After all you can not have fire, with out a flame. Believe me, I had lots of flame.

For the next 11 years I had something. A cure for my ills? No. Something better than med's I have had prescribed over that time? Yes. Never will I use the word addiction. Thinking back I could use the word problem. I knew it then, but didn't care. When one's pee stinks because of what you put in your body, you have a problem. I can say the same for people that drink and smoke cigarettes. There was a time for about 4 years where I did too much. I'm sure if I were to do the amounts I did back then today, I would be hurt. Unable to function. Alas, as it were I could do my job and do it well. I could block out pain both physical and mental and end up enjoying myself.

In recent years, my intake has dwindled. I'll put it in perspective. "In my prime" I would smoke a half ounce a week, by myself. Sure I'd share with a friend here and there but 95% of it was just for me. This last year I would smoke a quarter ounce. Half the amount. Sharing with my "sissypants". Making it last 2 weeks. So I would no longer use the word problem. It was something my wife and I enjoyed doing, together.

What am I getting too? I really don't think I can say I'm quitting totally. If some one was to say "Hey, you wanna burn one?" I would probably say yes. So what do you call that? I haven't bought any for about a month now and really don't miss it. I know where to go to find it. But I will never need to. I never have had a need. It has always been and will only be if I want to. Right now my life is looking pretty good (minus some money issues due to my deadbeat cunt ex), which is also how I feel. Simply put, I don't want to.

Will I be a better person without it? Doubt it. Will life be better? Somewhat. Regrets? None.

Later.

I love you Julie.

Boy or girl?

So the word is, baby #2 is on the way. What more can I say? I am overwhelmed with joy just thinking about it. I also can envision all the additional craziness. Bring it on. Yeah, that's easy for me to say because I'm not the one that is home with the wee ones all day. There was a time not so long ago that I would not have even given a thought about being a father. It was something I had given up on. Now I find myself thinking about my second child. When I look back, I get a little choked up about the whole thing. My life is, well like I'm some one else. Here I am, a happily married man, the proud father of a crazy baby boy, a step father of two, and now I wait for baby #2. Life sure is different, for all the right reasons. Just how different is everything? Well, I figure around March we should have a mini van. A mini van!

Connor met G's sisters (Jess) baby the other day. I'd like to call the experience a learning one. What do you call a baby that has mad walking skillz compared to one that is still stumbling home from the bar? That's right, an ass whoopin. Actually, it wasn't that bad. Connor only got roughed up a couple times. Maybe when they visit again in December Connor will have some more skillz and be able to swing a chair or something.

I can envision some more powerful updates in the months to come. Stay tuned. Baby version 2.0 is on the way.


Growing dreams

Never in years times a million,
would I have thought this.
Look at what our first kiss,
has brought us.
A son,
so beautiful and pure.
With each passing day,
he continues to grow.
I see in him,
everything an eye could possibly see.
Opened or closed.
The times of trouble behind us,
we move on.
Life lived with dreams,
that continue grow.
I never imagined being a father.
It is a role I have come to love.
With the passing of time,
time so short,
we will welcome our second child.
I find myself overwhelmed with joy,
I get a chill from within.
From day one to delivery,
I will be here.
Although I love you as I always have,
this will be different.
Baby number two,
boy or girl,
Daddy is here for you.
The mother of my children,
the love of my life,
you have shown me so much,
and given me things that could have no price.
Each day that passes,
I love you more for these gifts.
No matter what you may need,
or ask of me,
you will forever have my heart.

Later.

I love you "Sissypants".