$

Or lack there of. You see I fell behind in mortgage payments. To the sum of $1853. So I sent them a payment. Unfortunately for me they applied the payment to principle and not a back payment. So's I call them up. Of course they have some attitude and rightfully so. I am the one behind. What I wanted to know was why they didn't apply the payment I sent in to what I was behind on. Their response was it's their policy. So we went back and forth. In the end it comes to this: They want all this money by Dec. 15th. I have begun the quest for seeking out money. My set back is it will either come from friends or family. I can not muster up that kind of money in that time frame on my own. Not even if I saved every penny. The ex? She doesn't care one way or the other. Me? I care very much. I'm so upset I'm getting teary eyed. I just got this deal worked out with people on the house. I am going to search high and low and graciously accept whatever I may be loaned and pay it back as fast as I can.

If I could focus on more than this I would write about other stuff. You don't know how bad I wanted to reach through the phone and strangle the person I was talking to. If I had that money I'd have that much more towards the total I owe. I asked if the payment wasn't being applied to what I owed, then why didn't they return my check? Everything I said fell on deaf ears. As for now I need to try to get my attention focused elsewhere. I am driving myself crazy. I got some calls to make and people to see. Wish me luck.

Later.

Venting

When is enough enough? I wish someone could look me straight in the eye and tell me I have not been through hell and back already. Why must things continue to challenge me? I can not answer that question. If I could believe me I would.

What's more disrespectful, speaking your mind for all to see or speaking your mind behind peoples backs and then befriending them to their face? If I would have a say in the matter I would have to say that talking behind peoples backs is wrong. Then turning around and acting like they are your friend is down right well, fucked up. I'm very tired of taking heat for being who I am. I've been dealing with that my whole life it seems. I am not all shine and glamour. I'm rough around the edges and my shine is on the dull side. For people to get pissed off about what I say or write is fine, but showing dislike for it behind my back is bullshit especially if it was something done long ago. People need to grow up and come in off the play ground. Recess ended long ago.

Call me insane, but I'd take living in the country over the city any day of the week.

I love my "sissypants" very much. We didn't have the smoothest of weekends, but the circumstances I feel speak for themselves. I am very grateful to have spent my first birthday with the woman I love. No matter the mood, she is very special to me and will never be any less.

Connor was very vocal the other night. He has this little light up/play music jobby that hangs in his crib. It is filled with water and fake fish. Well we had that playing and he was just gabbing away to the fish. It almost made my sexy mama cry. I have to say he was very cute and if we had a camcorder I would have gotten it then. I'm hopeful before too long we will have one.

What do you call someone whos so inappreciative of everything they have they fail to see it? Lazy? Ungrateful? Selfish? Yes to all of them. Here's a toast to maturity, may it come sooner than later.

I feel better now.

Later.

Almost 30

Saturday will be my 28th birthday. As I flip through the pages that are my memories I come to realize this past year has been the toughest, yet most rewarding of my life. Obviously becoming a father is a huge part of this. The road getting there was the most challenging thing I have ever been through. I would lie to you if I said I wanted to go through anything like that ever again. I'd also lie if I said those tough times didn't help make me a better man. If in all my years I was to have a break down it would have been this year. I can remember a time when I really didn't care if I lived to see another day. Always tired of battling with myself if that makes any sense. Now that I have lived many years past those times I have come to know what life is really about. Challenges, adversities, hard work, and if you are lucky you get a little pay back. I'm lucky. My pay backs name is Connor.

Looking back trying to see things through the eyes of that 16 year old kid that wanted nothing more than to be happy being himself I can say that I am finally there. I know I have to live the rest of my life accepting things that I have done, and this is exactly what I do. With each mistake I have made, I take it's lesson with me. Learning not to repeat those things already done. I won't sit here and say that I will never make another mistake, because I just like you am not perfect. I will however bet you the farm that I won't repeat one. I listen very carefully now to the voice inside. The voice that guided me to so many truths. The voice that has always been there but I always ignored. There is not one thing wrong with being who I am. It seems I can be a good man, a truthful lover, and a loving father.

I have had a marriage fail. I have seen a dream of a perfect home, turn into a nightmare. I almost lost the truest love I have ever known. I doubted things that were obvious. For that I could have lost the greatest thing of all. I have seen bills pile and debt grow. I have seen brown hair turn to gray. I have had weight lost and gained. I have discovered no matter how much you may have pushed, parents will always be there for you. I have gained more respect and love for friends than I ever knew possible. I know what butterflies in the belly feel like again from a simple kiss. If you talk, they will listen. No matter who it is you may be talking to. Patience is precious. Hopes and dreams are alive. I see them every day and night when I look into my sons eyes.

With all that self reflecting I feel the time to lighten the mood. It seems with each passing year I get more and more body hair. I swear if I was to go "streaking" across a road or open field and people saw me they would think they saw a big foot. With my big ass ugly feet I would leave interesting foot imprints for researchers to ponder over for years.

I am signing the agreement for the house tomorrow. A one year or as I like to say 12 month agreement. It doesn't seem as long if you say 12 months. Basically at any time during the 12 months they can purchase the property. I am hopeful it doesn't go that long. Do I have doubts? Some. However I am willing to take the chance.

Connor is becoming quite entertaining with all his coo's and what not. He's such a good baby. I never knew being a pops would feel like this. "Sissypants" and I are doing great. As are the kiddies and I. All goes smoothly. Not perfect mind you, but everything is going good.

My mom is healing up nicely from her neck surgery. I can only hope she continues to listen to the doctors orders.

As for now, I'm feeling poetic.

Later.

Greetings

I went to the lawyers yesterday to find out what was going on with the divorce. 9 more days and it's final.

Finally got someone to bite on the house. By biting I mean putting down some cash. If all goes well there will be some more cash coming this week. We will be doing an article of agreement for one year. If all goes well at the end of the year they will be able to get a mortgage. If not, I get the house back but with the work done. Lets just keep our fingers crossed for an easy 12 months and no problems when it comes to getting the mortgage.

"Sissypants" and I have been eyeballing places to rent. Found a couple with promise and we have a couple more to look at.

Connor got his first shots today. He did very well. He fussed some but I've heard him go much crazier because he wanted his bottle. He made me a proud papa today :-) He does that everyday...

If this house thing actually goes smoothly things are really going to improve. I'm hopeful and ask for the best everyday.

As for now back to work.

Later.