So many questions

Well if it weren't for me and these feelings I'm sure everything would be ok, right? I could just go on living accepting what other people tell me. However the voices just don't stop. I've come to a point in my life where I know it's best not to ignore what you hear on the inside. So I listen to the questions that are raised. I called around yet again, talked to the genetree people. Once again they told me it wasn't possible to get results back so soon, even if they received the fluid the day after it was drawn. The guy (Brain) told me the only way a test could get done that fast was if they didn't do a throe exam, which he assured me was not something genetree practices. So once again I find myself in the position of needing to ask "sissypants" things she probably would like to avoid. If she ever reads this (which I hope she will someday) I'd like to take this time to tell her: I'm sorry baby, but I need to know and be sure everything is being done the right way. My research, phone calls, and gut feeling are telling me something isn't right. I'm not holding on in desperation or anything like that. I'm doing what I feel needs to be done and I hope that you will understand. I believe it is what's for the best for everyone involved.

What I need to ask are a couple things. First I need to ask if she got her husband to agree to let genetree send her the info they sent him. I say if he refuses to do anything she requests regarding this matter it should be yet another red flag to someone other than me. Since she's to far along now to do another fluid removal, what's wrong with using the fluid they already tested? My mom raised that point. It would be the same stuff no matter what. All I would have to do is send them in a sample of my DNA and they could compare it to what they have on file. That is if she can get her husbands permission. Again, due to privacy issues this will all revolve around him and his cooperation. I would of course be wiling to pay for this. All I ask is the results are sent to me or to her. Not to her husbands address. I'd be interested in seeing that turn around time, not to mention the results. Then we could see where all that would lead us.

I've told her this many times, to me the baby isn't a deal maker or breaker. I don't think it should be. I love her for who she is, her condition doesn't change those feelings. It's a shame, in my view, that the circumstances have changed everything so much. I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't interested in the baby at all. It would be nice to know for sure as early as possible if I have been right or wrong about these feelings about the baby. If it turns out I have no shot at being the father, that's fine. I can accept that fact and move on from it. It would be a silencer for all the questions I have swirling around about it. If it turns out I have a good shot at being the father, that's fine too. I just would like to know instead of being stuck in this maybe I am, maybe I'm not zone. I hope I can get her to suck it up, and do this not just for me but for herself and the baby.

I did manage to string a couple hours of sleep together today. For a little while anyway. I feel rested for the first time in a few days.

I heard from the zoning lady today about the house I have for sale. Seems like everything is going smoothly, and slowly. It's going to be 30-60 days for this zoning board stuff to play out. I'm hoping on the side of 30 days. I will contact the would be buyer today and see what he thinks. My mom told me I could crash at their place if I had to. I take some comfort in that, but will do my best to avoid it. If the buyer and I can't work out some kind of agreement soon that apartment I am interested in will be gone. I was thinking he could buy all my building materials for $2000 and I could use that towards the apartment.

A poem a day, keeps my heart strong and my love in focus.

Later.