It's out there

I spoke with "sissypants" this morning in great detail about all my questions and concerns. She see's things from both sides of the fence. She thinks that if the results from the first test were so high what's the point? Why shouldn't she just leave it as that? I could go on and on about why...let me just say this. If she's willing to accept that as fact why can't she accept the fact she decided to love me 2 years ago? She's the one that chose to leave her current situation to try for the best life she could have. Why does this pregnacy have to change any of that? I don't know the answer. It's a situation and with any situation it can be dealt with. I'm willing and able, she must have doubts about it. Interesting... She told me she can also see where I'm coming from. Wanting to know for sure either way. I hope she can find some strength to do this, if not I'll always have those questions with me. She told me that she doesn't think her husband will give permission to do any other tests. RED FLAG, to me anyway. She told me he's convinced the baby is his. I say if he's so convinced then he should have no fears. Due to all my research and time I can't say I'm convinced he is. I know there's a window in the percentages that allow for a higher match. If I would have been led down different avenues while looking into things then I'd have no questions, but all I have gotten from all of it is more questions. Turn around time is the biggest point I have. Either genetree is lieing about their turn around times on the test or something is funny about those results. Why would genetree lie about turn around times? My point exactly...I am going to call genetree yet again and ask about doing another test with what they have there on file. Again, it may all be for nothing if her husband won't agree. I know if I was so sure, I wouldn't have a problem with it.

She is going through a ton of shit right now. I know how fucked up I feel right now I can only imagine how it is on her. You have me trying to get her to do things she probably would rather avoid and you have her husband only doing God knows what. She told me she'd like to disappear, like to Mexico. I'd like to disappear, by gazing into her eyes. That's where I want to be. She is where I find so much.

Supposivly she said we could meet tomorrow night. If that's the case she's got a ton of poetry and a CD coming her way. I look forward to seeing her again, whenever that may be. It's been 8 days since I last saw her. Yes, I do know it down to the day. I always feel like I can't say this enough: Baby or not, I love her and it changes nothing! Should it? If so, why? If not, then why are we apart? Circumstances and situations are no reasons to turn away love.

As for me? I'm doing better since I spoke to her about what I had on my mind. I feel bad when I upset her, but I can't pretend that these things aren't real. This is all very real. I apologize to her, for anything I do that is upsetting. It is not my goal. I'm not so sure by her knowing everything I found if it's going to get anywhere but at least it's out there. I have a couple calls to make today so I should have some more info about stuff later. I have a couple new questions to ask, thanks to a very balanced and relaxed friend.

1. Does genetree print out the papers with a four day turnaround stating percentages?
2. Does genetree do the analysis?
3. If someone claims to have a statement that took four days to get stating a percentage, is there any way that document could have come from genetree?


I dropped off some stuff at the rescue workers this morning. I had to get it out of the back of my truck before it rained. It hasn't rained in a few days we could use some. I know my face has felt some rain here and there since the last time it rained. Did I say rain? I meant tears...

Anyway it's getting close to try for a nap. I hope for a few hours of sleep anyway.

Later.